The Olympus has Fallen..

Nights whizzed by, from dusk to dawn..

I was losing the game, from bishop to every pawn..

The pace was so fast, before I could make next move, it was too late..

Black Rook to a1 - and I was checkmate..

Life seems unfair at times, sometimes every day..

It seemed like my moves did not go my way..

I felt like that queen who had failed to save her king..

As I look down; to hear the timer ding..

I have been at this situation once before and still played the game fair and square..

Words are all but I can share..

Emotions run high, the loss is all I can mourn..

As life walks away with the chessboard, leaving me forlorn..

Life took away the most precious person, Dad, who I had callen..

I wonder how I will face life again, now that my Olympus has fallen..

I hope I get an opportunity to do for him what he has done for me..

I owe it to him, one lifetime ain't enough, is all see..

😔🙏🏽😭😭😭

मंज़िल..

मैं बेगाना राहीं, एक रास्ता खोजता हूँ..
इस वीरान रेगिस्तान में एक नख़लिस्तान ढूंढता हूँ..

ए प्यास बुझाने वाले, तेरी राह देखता हूँ..
अंजानी सी इस दुनिया में अपनी मंज़िल चाहता हूँ..

उस सन्नाटे में किसी की आवाज़ खोजता हूँ..
अपने ही साँसों की गहराइयों में तेरी आहट ढूंढ़ता हूँ..

हर गीत-संगीत में तेरी रूह देखता हूँ..
अंजानी सी इस दुनिया में अपनी मंज़िल चाहता हूँ..

उस पायल की छम-छम में, तेरी हंसी की सरगम खोजता हूँ..
हर घम को भूलने की वह दवा ढूंढ़ता हूँ..

उन शर्मीली निग़ाहों में अपने आपको देखता हूँ..
अंजानी सी इस दुनिया में अपनी मंज़िल चाहता हूँ.. 

अर्थ.. The Meaning!

आज तसा जास्तच दमलो होतो मी.. आठवड्याचा शेवटचा दिवस, म्हणून घरी येताना तितका निवांतपणा. सतत ते काम आणि त्यात असंख्य विचार.. आयुष्य म्हणजे एक न संपणाऱ्या कोळ्याच्या जाळ्या सारखं आहे. आणि माणूस त्यात अडकलेला एक जीव, जितका स्वतःला मोकळं करायचा प्रयत्न करतो तितकाच त्यात अडकत जातो. कधी कामात तर कधी commitments तर कधी.. कोणात. आज दार उघडलं तर ती समोर tv पाहत, तांदूळ निवडत बसली होती. आज शनिवार, तिला तसा half-day. ती घरी असली की मला खूप बरं वाटायचं. नेहमीच्या ठिकाणी bag ठेवली आणि सोफ्यावर डोळे मिटून बसलो. तितक्यात दार वाजलं, उठून दार उघडलं तर समोर एक लहान मुलगा उभा होता. तो माझ्या कडे पाहून हसला आणि घरात आला. चप्पल stand वर ठेवली आणि पाठीवरचं दप्तर माझ्या laptop bagच्या शेजारी. आणि मी बसलो होतो तिथेच सोफ्यावर बसला. मी जाऊन त्याचा शेजारी बसलो तितक्यात ती म्हणाली- "जा सोन्या, हाथ-पाय-तोंड धुवून घे..." तो लग्गेच उठला हाथ-पाय धुतले, कपडे बदलून आला आणि तिचा शेजारी जाऊन बसला. तिचा मांडीवर डोकं ठेवून डोळे मिटून घेतले. तिने हातातली परात बाजूला ठेवून त्याचा कडे पाहिले. "दमलास शाना?" तो काहीच बोले ना. एक चित्ताने तो तसाच पडून राहिला. तिने त्याचा डोक्यावरून हात फिरवले तर त्याने डोळे मिचकावले. उठला आणि तिचा हातांकडे पाहू लागला. "तुझे हाथ किती खर-खरीत आहेत गं!" असं तो पटकन बोलून गेला. तिने त्याचा कडे पाहिले आणि म्हणाली- "माझे हाथ गुळ-गुळीत राहिले तर तुझी भूक कशी भागवू शकेन रे राजा!" तेंव्हा तो म्हणाला- "माझा साठी करतेस का गं इतके कष्ट? नको.. मला नको चांगलं चांगलं खायला.. मला तू हवी आहेस.." असं म्हणून तो पुन्हा तिच्या मांडीवर डोकं ठेवून पडला. त्याचे ते चिमुरडे डोळे पाणावले. मला माझे ही अश्रू थांबवता आले नाही. तसेच बूट काढून डोक्याखाली उशी घेऊन मी ही सोफ्यावर अडवा झालो. अचानक डोक्यावरून कोणीतरी हाथ फिरवण्याचा भास झाला. "तुझे हाथ ही खर-खरीतच आहेत गं! पण आज इतक्या वर्षांने कोणतरी डोक्यावरून हाथ फिरवलाय. खूप बरं वाटतंय. Please मला नको ना गं सोडून जाउस." असं म्हणून मी डोळे उघडले तर तिथे कोणीच नव्हते. वळून पाहिले तर तो आणि ती तिथेच होते. तो तिचा हाथांना नीट पाहत होता. "किती भाजलेत गं तुझे हाथ?" ती त्याला समजावत म्हणाली "संसार म्हणालास की हे सगळं येतच, सोन्या. कळेल तुला. वेळ आली की, तुला ही कळेल. उद्या तू मोठा होशील.. तुझं लग्नं होईल.. तू तुझ्या बायकोची संसारात मदत करत जा.. मग तिचे हाथ गुळ-गुळीत राहतील." इतके मोठे शब्द त्याला कळाले असतील का? हा प्रश्नं माझ्या मनात आलाच होता तितक्यात त्याने विचारला- "संसार म्हणजे काय गं?" ती हसली आणि म्हणाली- "वेळ आली की कळेल." तो म्हणाला- "आई गं, भूक लागलीये!" ती उठणार तितक्यात तो म्हणाला- "नको.. तू थांब.. नको मला काही! तुझे हाथ भाजलेत. मला भूक नाहीये. तू इथेच बस." मी माझे डोळे मिटून घेतले. आज भरपूर वर्षांनी पुन्हा तिची खूप आठवण येत होती. यशाचे शिखर गाठले होते मी आज. पण आजू-बाजूला कोणीच नाही. घड्याला कडे पाहिले तर ८ वाजले होते. जेवण बनवायची वेळ आली होती. तसाच तडक उठलो, हाथ-पाय-तोंड धुतले, आवरलं आणि कपडे बदलून किचन मध्ये आलो. Coils वर भांडे ठेवले आणि फोडणीच्या तयारीला लागलो. कांदा चिरत होतो तर कांद्यामुळे डोळ्यात पाणी आले. आईची आठवण तर येतच होती पण कांद्यामुळे आलेल्या अश्रूंनी माझ्या weak side ला जरा आधार दिला. कांदा चिरता-चिरता बोट कापले तर तसेच ते पाण्याखाली धरले आणि वाहते रक्त थांबायची वाट पाहू लागलो. भाजी बनवतच होतो तितक्यात भांड्यावरील झाकण उचलायला गेलो आणि हाताला जोरदार चटका बसला. पुन्हा थंड पाण्यात हाथ धरला आणि "आई गं!" हेच शब्द बोलून गेलो. ती तिथेच समोर होती. ती माझा जवळ आली आणि म्हणाली- "आरे संसार संसार.. जसा तवा चुल्यावर.. आधी हातला चटके.. तेंव्हा मिळते भाकर!!" तो लहान मुलगा आता तिचा बरोबर नव्हता. मी विचारला- "तो लहान मुलगा कुठे गेला?" ती माझा जवळ आली आणि माझा केसांमधून हाथ फिरवून म्हणाली- "काळजी घे.. सोन्या.. तुझी आणि तिची पण." तितक्यात मागून कोणीतरी शर्ट ओढला. मागे वळून पाहिलं तर तोच लहान मुलगा माझ्या मागे उभा होता. मी वळून तिचा कडे पाहिले तर ती माझा कडे हसून म्हणाली- "मोठा झालास.. असाच अजून मोठा हो.. खूप प्रगती कर.. आणि मी सांगितलेला लक्षात ठेव.. तिचे हाथ गुळ-गुळीत राहावेत असं वाटत असेल तर आयुष्यभर असे चटके हसत हसत सहन कर!" मला खूप बरं वाटत होता "हो गं, आई.. मी घेईन तिची काळजी! Promise!!" असं म्हणून मी डोळे मिटले आणि मनातल्या मनात हसलो. डोळे उघडले तर ती तिथे नव्हती, तो ही दिसत नव्हता. खिशातून wallet काढलं आणि फोटो कडे एक-टक पाहत राहिलो. शेजारी "तिचा" फोटो ही होता. आज इतक्या वर्षांनी संसारचा पहिला अर्थ कळाला होता. २२ वर्ष जिने माझ्या साठी अनेक चटके खाल्ले होते तिचाच कडून.

The Tough Engineer

"The tough engineer must put up with teasing, abuse and stereotypes. He must fight through mean daughters and laughing wives. He must stand tall and fight the good fight, without batting an eye. He must soar high, and accomplish great achievements and breakthroughs in the world of electronics to prove to his laughing wives and teasing children that he, the geek, the smarty pants; the engineer is a normal human being. His challenges as we know are much harder than a regular man's; for he is the TOUGH ENGINEER."

- Anna K. Carnahan (a letter outside my supervisor's cubical)

This is pretty inspiring and amazing!

मी..

एक विश्वासू हाथ धरून पुढे चालत होतो.. मी..

एक नवं विश्व पाहण्यास अगदी आतुर होतो.. मी..

नव्या नव्या दिशेने जायची इच्छा ठेवत होतो.. मी..

कसलीच भीती न बाळगता अगदी निर्धास्तपणे पुढे जात होतो.. मी..

'त्या' धरलेल्या हातातून आत्मविश्वास घेत होतो.. मी..

प्रत्येक पाऊल न विचार करता टाकत होतो.. मी..

त्या गर्दीत अगदीच इवलासा वाटत होतो.. मी..

त्या लखलख्त्या विश्वामुळे अगदीच मंत्रमुग्ध झालो होतो.. मी..

पडलो, धडपडलो तरी कोणीतरी सावरेल ह्या आश्वासनाने बिंधास्त चालत होतो.. मी..

चालता चालता असं लक्षात आलं की तो 'विश्वासू' हाथ मागे कधीच सोडवून आलो होतो.. मी..

एक हात मग दुसरा असं करत पुढेच चाललो होतो.. मी.. 

थांबणार तर अजिबात नव्हतो.. मी..

एका अनोळख्या जगात भ्रमण करायची खळबळ मनात साठवून ठेवली होती.. मी..

पुढे चालतच राहायची महत्वाकांक्षा ठेवत होतो.. मी..

स्वतःच्या महत्वाकांक्षापायी बर्याच अपेक्षांचा जीव घेतला होता.. मी.. 

एके बाजूला अपेक्षा तर दुसर्या बाजूला काही अपुरी स्वप्नं.. एका द्वंद्वात अडकलो होतो.. मी.. 

असल्या पेचप्रसंगात स्वतःवरच विश्वास ठेवत होतो.. मी.. 

एक अधुरे स्वप्नं पूर्ण करण्याची जिद्द डोळ्यात भरून ठेवली होती.. मी.. 

त्या लखलखत्या विश्वात एक स्वतःचं स्थान निर्माण करण्यास जुमाने कष्ट घेत होतो.. मी.. 

खरं सांगायचं झालं तर तसं बरंच यश मिळवलं होतं.. मी.. 

स्वतःच्या पायांवर उभा ही राहिलो होतो.. मी.. 

जे जमणार नाही असं एके काळी वाटलं होतं ते सगळं काही करून दाखवलं होतं.. मी.. 

त्या क्षणी वळून पाहिलं तर एकटाच होतो.. मी..

तसा बराच पुढे निघून आलो होतो.. मी..

नजरे समोर यशाचे सिंहासन पाहत होतो.. मी..  

पण मागे लांब क्षितिजा जवळ उभ्या त्या 'विश्वासू' हातांची ओढ जाणवत होतो.. मी.. 

नव्या महत्वाकांक्षा आणि अपूर्ण अपेक्षा.. त्या द्वंद्वात नव्याने अडकलो होतो.. मी.. 

तेंव्हा एक महत्वाची निवड केली.. मी.. 

मागे परतण्याचा निश्चय केला.. मी..

अखेर त्या 'विश्वासू' हाताला आता ज्या आधाराची गरज होती, तो होतो.. मी..

अपुरे स्वप्नं तर पूर्ण केले होतेच.. मी.. 

पण एक नवे चित्र कोणीतरी रंगवले होते, ज्याचात होतो.. मी.. 

ते चित्र अपुरे कसं सोडू शकत होतो.. मी..

आता त्या चित्रात रंग भरायची कल्पना करत होतो.. मी..

हळू हळू असं लक्षात आलं जिथून निघालो तिथेच परत येत होतो.. मी.. 

जाऊन अजून कुठे जाणार होतो.. मी.. 

ते हात पुन्हा एकदा धरून ह्यावेळी आत्मविश्वासाने पुढे चालत होतो.. मी..

एका नव्या दिशेने.. एक नवी महत्वाकांक्षा डोळ्यात भरून घेतली होती.. मी.. 

आता कोणत्याच द्वंद्वात नव्हतो.. मी..

कारण महत्वाकांक्षा आणि अपेक्षा, दोन्ही एकाच चित्रात पाहत होतो.. मी.. 

आता मागे वळून पाहण्याची गरज जाणवत नव्हतो.. मी.. 

पुढे आणि फक्त पुढेच चालत राहायचं ध्येय ठेवलं होतं.. मी!!

ICC Cricket World Cup 2011.. a moment to cherish!

As I sit back on the couch pondering over what has gone by, it makes me wonder why am I not amongst it. I miss those incredible scenes.. now I realize what they mean when they say you don't know how it feels unless you are amongst it.. But after all to get something, you have to give up something.. Today I learn yet another lesson- "No sacrifice.. No Victory".. the United States of America has everything one desires for.. but for the craziness when people spill out on the streets.. dance on the streets all night long.. play the drums and blow the bugles and vuvuzelas.. sing along.. absolutely wreck havoc.. mount on cars and trucks holding the national flag up high.. It's about the Team for which 1.21billion (minus the 15 member squad) hearts stop beating or beat faster.. those people who fast for them and wish them good luck.. worship them as a God.. it's more than a game.. it's a religion.. It's for the Men in Blue and the moment when they won the most coveted Cup!! Savor these memories.. take photographs.. show them to your kids.. proudly say you witnessed a man who played over 20years of his life and got what he had set out for.. proudly say a man who the entire nation and every budding cricketer look up to.. Mr. Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.. You can talk volumes about the man's achievement.. years back he flies back home from an ongoing series for his father's funeral.. and after the rituals flies back and scores a century.. such is the greatness of the man.. with over 18000 runs in ODI alone with almost 15000 runs in the slower version of the game.. at the threshold of completing 38 years of his life.. throwing himself on the field to stop every single run.. that is the commitment of the man.. the level of Integrity.. yet being so down to earth that he still treasures the Rs. 13 he got from his coach/mentor Ramakant Achrekar and calls it as his most valuable possession.. Hat's off to him.. Hat's off to the team who came under a lot of criticism after the loss to Team South Africa.. they proved today that when you desire for something from the bottom of your heart.. no matter what comes along.. NO ONE can stop you from getting there.. I saw men cry like babies.. the outburst of the emotions itself talks about what winning the World Cup meant to them.. I congratulate Team India on the achievement.. and being such a source of inspiration!! RESPECT!! you've earned it.. you deserve it!

एक एकटा.. एकटाच! (The Lonely)

खिशातून रुमाल काढला खरा, पण तो संपूर्ण ओला चिंब झाला होता. घरात येऊन बूट काढले आणि मागे वळून बघितलं तर घामाने भिजलेल्या शर्टाने भिंतीवर ऐक विचित्र नकाशा तय्यार झाला होता. सॉक्स कडे नजर टाकली आणि थेट तसाच बाथरूम मध्ये गेलो आणि सॉक्स काढून धुवायला टाकले. माझे पाय आज खूप गरम झाले होते, जणू काही आगेवर्ती चालून आलो होतो, आणि मला तो गरमपणा जाणवत देखील होता. काम करणे rather कष्ट करणे याला घाम गळणे पण का म्हणतात हे मला आज अगदी मनापासून पटून गेला होता. दमणूक तर झालीच होती, पण नुसती शारीरिक दमणूक नसून, मानसिक दमणूक ही झाली होती. आज मला हळू हळू लक्षात यायला लागलं, की नोकरी करून घर सांभाळणं इतकं अवघड का असतं. पण आज काहीसं वेगळं वाटतंय मला, म्हणजे एका अर्थाने वेगळं ही आहे पण हे सगळं पूर्वी कधी तरी घडून गेल्या सारखं देखील वाटतंय. आज पाउला पाऊलावर देजा-वू (deja vu) झाल्या सारखा भास होतोय. घरी आलो तेंव्हा दार नेहमी प्रमाणे बंदच होतं. मग ते दप्तरातून घराची किल्ली काढण्यापासून ते दार उघडून बूट काढण्यापर्यंत सगळं काही मी अनुभवलेलं होतं. आणि आज मला ते बूट आणि चप्पला सगळे पसरून गेलेले ही दिसले. आज खूप एक-एकटं ही वाटत होतं. घरात कोणी गप्पा मारायला ही नव्हतं.

एकीकडे पोटात कावळे काव-काव करत होते पण ते समोर पडलेले बूट बघवेना. म्हणून आधी ते सगळे बूट आणि चप्पला आवरून नीट कपाटात ठेवले. हे देखील करताना तसच वाटलं, कानात काहीसं पुसट-पुसटसा ओळखीचा आवाज आऐकू येत होता आणि तीच ओळखीची वाक्य मला आऐकू येत होती. मी ते सगळे विचार बाजूला सारून थेट kitchen मध्ये गेलो आणि काय खावा याचा विचार करत बसलो. अचानक कुठूनतरी कांदे पोह्यांचा खमंग वास मला येऊ लागला आणि कोणास ठाऊक का कांदे पोहे करून खावासे वाटले. पण तेवढ्यात कोणी तरी म्हणालं- “जा आधी हाथ पाय धुवून घे..” मागे वळून पाहिलं तर कोणीच नव्हतं. आज खरच मला कसले तरी भास होतायेत. मी आप-आपलाच हासून हाथ पाय धुवून kitchen मध्ये पुन्हा आलो आणि कांदा चिरायला घेतला. आज कांदा कापताना डोळ्यात पाणीही येत नव्हते. मला थोडसं ते विचित्रच वाटलं. पण आज बहुदा सगळंच काहीसं वेगळंच घडतय या विचाराने, मी हा ही विचार मनातून काढून टाकला. एकीकडे फोडणी देत होतो आणि दुसरीकडे भांड्यात पाणी उकळायला ठेवलं, म्हटलं पोह्यांबरोबर चहा ही असला तर बेत चांगला जमेल. खरं तर इतका दमून आल्यावर एवढं सगळं करत बसण्यात मला अजीबात रस नव्हता, पण भूक इतकी लागली होती आणि त्यातून घरातही कोणी नाही.

तेवढ्यात मला परत एकदा कोणी तरी बोलतंय असा भास झाला आणि एक ओळखीचं वाक्य मला आऐकू आलं- “कुच पाने के लिये कुच खोना पडता है."

ह्या वाक्याने मी अगदी थक्क झालो. मी परत त्याच विचारात ओढला जात होतो आणि मला ते नको होतं. मला माहिती होतं की तसं जर झालं तर मला एकटा असलेल्याची जाणीव खाऊन टाकेल. मी त्या विचारातून बाहेर यायचा प्रयत्न केला पण काही केल्या मला ते काही जमेना. तेवढ्यात हाताला चटका बसला आणि भानावर आलो. kitchen मध्ये सगळी कडे धूर झाला होता. Fire alarm वाजू नये म्हणून पळत Drawing Room मध्ये आलो आणि त्यातली battery काढून तो शेजारच्या टेबलावर ठेवला. पुन्हा kitchen मध्ये जाऊन चटकन gas बंद केला आणि पोह्यांकडे आशेने पाहिलं. पोहे तसे व्यवस्थित दिसत होते फक्त थोडेसे खालून भांड्याला लागून गेले होते. एक चमचा घेऊन चव घ्यावी म्हणालो तर लक्षात आले की नेहमी प्रमाणे मीठ टाकायचे विसरून गेलो होतो. आधी तर नुसताच विसरायचो. आज त्या विचारांच्या कारणा पाई विसरून गेलो होतो. पोह्यान कडे नुसताच पाहत बसलो. खाण्याची इच्छाच मरून गेली होती. "भिजलेल्या क्षणांना आठवणींची फोडणी.. आयुष्य हे चुलीवरल्या कढईतले कांदे पोहे.." फक्त फरक इतकाच ते करपलेले होते. खरच आयुष्यातली काही क्षणं अशी असतात ज्यांनी मनावर कायमची फोडणी लागते. well ते चांगले किंवा वाईट काही असू शकतात. मनावर एक ओझं असल्यासारखं वाटत होतं. आज मित्रांच्या किंवा नातेवाईकांच्या आधाराची कमी जाणवू लागली होती.

कोणाशीतरी बोलावसं वाटलं. आता मात्र खूप एकटेपणा जाणवत होता. नकळतपणे डोळ्यात पाणी ही आलं. ते वाक्य मला आजच का आऐकू आले? ह्याचा विचार करत बसलो. जरा वेळाने मला लक्षात आलं की ते सगळं जे मला देजा-वू (deja vu) वाटत होतं ते खरच आधी माझ्या बाबतीत घडून गेलेलं होतं. शाळेतून एक ४थी इयत्तेत्ला मुलगा असाच घरी यायचा तेंव्हा ही खूप दमलेला असायचा आणि घरी कोणी नसायचं. मग तो त्या पाठीवरच्या बोजड दप्तरातून किल्ली काढून ते दार उघडायचा आणि एकदा काय घरात आलो की जणू काही ती शांतता आणि एकटेपण त्याला खाऐला अंगावर येयचा. आल्या आल्या TV किंवा radio लावून सोफ्यावर बसून सॉक्स काढून फेकून देणे आणि बूट कुठेही टाकून देणे. सगळं काही माझ्या डोळ्या समोर उभं राहिलं. आज जशी भूक लागली आहे, तशीच भूक तेंव्हा ही लागलेली असायची, पण ते स्वतःच्या हाताने सगळं करणं तेंव्हा ही तितकच नको-नकोसं वाटायचं. फरक इतकाच की तेंव्हा सगळं तयार पण थंडगार असायचं आणि ते गार जेवायला नको वाटायचं. संध्याकाळी आई घरी आली की तो सगळा पसारा पाहून दररोज तेच म्हणायची- “आरे! आता तरी सगळं आवरून ठेवायला शिक.. पुढे शिक्षणाकरिता बाहेर गावी जावा लागलं की सगळं स्वतःचं स्वतः करावं लागेल.. तुला मोठं व्हायचं आहे ना? मग.. लक्षात ठेव कुच पाने के लिये कुच खोना पडता है..” त्या वाक्याने माझा मनावर एक छाप सोडला होता. काळ बदलला, घर बदलला, पण त्या सॉक्स आणि बुटान पासून, दमून आल्यावर लागलेली ती भूक अजून तशीच आहे आणि कदाचित ते वाक्यही त्याच मुळे मला आऐकू येत असावे. त्यावेळी आई पाशी रडायचो. सगळे मित्र घरी जातात तेंव्हा त्यांची आई त्यांना गरमा-गरम खाऐला घालते. तर आई मला समजवून सांगायची की ते सगळे ती कोणासाठी करत आहे. आणि त्या लहानश्या बुद्धिला ते पटून ही जायचा.

आज पुन्हा एकदा मला आईची खूप आठवण आली. आता मात्र मला राहवेना. त्या सगळ्या घडलेल्या गोष्टी एखाद्या चलचित्रा सारखं दिसू लागलं. तेवढ्यात कोणीतरी दार उघडलं आणि kitchen मध्ये येऊन माझ्याशी काहीतरी बोलून आंत bedroom मध्ये निघून सुद्धा गेला. माझा roomie च अशणार अर्थात. पण तो मला काय म्हणाला मला काही लक्षात नाही. मी माझे ओले डोळे लपवण्याकरिता त्याच्या कडे पाठ करूनच उभा होतो. आता मात्र मला अश्रु आवरेना. बाहेर आलो तर bedroom चं दार बंद होतं. तीन्हीसांझा झलेली होती आणि घरात काळोख होता. आधी दिवा लावला आणि तसाच आंत माझ्या bedroom मध्ये निघून गेलो. कोणाला काही कळू नये म्हणून आतून दार लावून घेतलं आणि ढसा ढसा रडलो. पाकिटातून आईचा फोटो काढला आणि नुसताच एकटक पाहत बसलो. रडणं थांबवण्याचा खूप प्रयत्नं केला पण अश्रु काही थांबेना.

तेवढ्यात फोन वाजला. बाबांचा फोन होता. कसंबसं रडणं थांबवलं आणि मग बाबांशी बोललो. बाबांशी अगदी व्यवस्थित बोलण्याचा प्रयत्न केला, त्यांना आजच्या प्रकरणाबद्दल मला अजीबात कळू द्यायचं नव्हतं. बाबा फोन ठेवताना म्हणाले- "आज काय तारीख आहे माहित आहे ना?" मी काही बोलण्याच्या आधीच म्हणाले- “आज 11 February आईचा वाढदिवस असतो लक्षात आहे ना?” मला काही बोलवेना. डोळ्यात परत पाणी येऊ लागलं. आज मला तिची इतकी आठवण का येत होती, आजच ते वाक्य मला का आऐकू येत होते, आजच का ते लहानपणीचे शाळेतून दमून आलेल्याचे दिवस, लहानपणे तिला दिलेला त्रास का आठवत होते, ते लक्षात आलं. मी परत आईच्या फोटो कडे पाहिलं, तेवढ्यात बाबा म्हणाले- “एका महिन्याने आईचा वर्ष-श्राद्ध आहे, तुला India ला येयला जमेल का??”. ‘माहित नाही.. मी विचारतो..’ त्यांनी फोन ठेवला होता. आईच्या फोटो कडे बघत मी अजूनही तसाच रडत होतो. फोटो छातीपाशी घेतला आणि जरा वेळ पडलो. “नात्यांच्या ह्या बाजारातून विक्रेत्यांची दाटी, आणि म्हणे 'तो वरचा' जुळावी शतजन्मांच्या गाठी”.

जरा वेळाने डोळे कोरडे पडले. उठलो आणि स्वतःला आवरून kitchen मध्ये गेलो. ते पोहे आणि तो चहा गार ढोण होऊन गेला होता. आणि खरा तर ती भूक सुद्धा आता मरून गेली होती.

Rohan Ambre

(with valuable inputs from Sudhanwa Agawekar)

The Threshold..

I am all by myself, my wings spread out. The open sea beckoning me towards the horizon. I could feel the breeze blowing into me. It was providing me with the adequate lift. The wind flirting with my feathers as I cut through the air at about 20 knots maneuvering myself as per my wish. The freshness in the air breathe a new life into me. It was my first westerly journey. Hazy glimpses of the first day my mother took me out into the real world, my first flight. Life isn’t about giving up, is it? It’s a world of survival of the fittest. How could I give in? I remember my father saying, the day I don’t feel like flying out of the nest, it would be my doomsday. Life is all about exploration. It’s a gift, that comes wrapped in several layers of decorative paper. Exploring new avenues is like, unwrapping the gift to unveil the beauty of life, full of surprises, ups and downs. It brings a smile to my face.

My father was more driven by principles. His stalwart like personality was something I always admired. Solid as a rock; focussed; not the one to be messed around with, the perfect way to describe him. As he stood at the perch, as the sun set before him, maintaining vigil and keeping evil eyes at bay, made me live in the awe of his hierarchy. My mother was a gem. Gentle, caring and beautiful, her feathers would shimmer while out in the sun. As I take a look around me, I don’t see her. She is nowhere in sight. I have left her way far behind, maybe I won’t be able to see her again. But the values she insinuated into me still linger. I slow down gradually as I see a shore, dazzling like gold. The city looked quite intimidating from distance. As I fly closer, the skyscrapers get big on me. I fly around to encounter a lady standing tall on a perch, solid as a rock, determined and focussed, maintaining vigil on the open sea. I see my father in her. She seems to be exuberant with life, deriving all the energy from the city behind her.

As I alighted on to the harbor, a completely new world welcomed me. The surroundings were so different from the place where I belonged. There was a completely different warmth about the place. As I looked back at the open sea, I could remember my homeland. The birds back there, the beautiful surroundings, the people, my native place, the farms, the greenery, the polluted and populated cities, yet I could smell the fragrance of the wet soil during the first rains! It was all back there. But I had made a choice, to fly away, all alone, leaving my near and dear ones back home. The beautiful charming girl perching just a few branches away, admiring me all day long. I know she loves me as much I do, but I had left her alone. I had left my parents, my family and friends too. Everything that happened to me since my childhood just flashed across my eyes.

Those were some lovely days, I thought, as I dived deep down into the ocean of memories. I could here some familiar chirps. I looked around to see a mother sparrow taking her offsprings for their breakfast. I looked towards the horizon, the sun was rising, or should I say, the son was rising. I turned back at the city where I was, not knowing how this new world was. I tried anticipating, but to no avail. I made an instant resolution, what come may, I will not loose my identity in this dazzling world. As I said this, there stood my dad before my eyes, ‘Go son! A world of opportunities is waiting for you!’, he said. Probably, the qualities I once admired were now in me. As I locked my eyes onto one of the skyscrapers standing before me, it did not bear that intimidating look as it did before. As I squinted through the street that lead to the heart of the city, a voice said. “Mr. Ambre?? Welcome to the New York City and the United States of America!” as the cruise liner behind blew its horn like a bugle as if to notify me that a new battle is in the offing.

Rohan Ambre

January 24th, 2011

THE CONFESSION!!

It was a very cold breezy night. I stood by the window glaring at the street below. I had been looking at it for the past 15 years. Never before did it look so appealing to me. The silence was transcendental. No idea of what was happening around; I turned to take a look at the wall clock. 10.55pm it read. The road bore a deserted look. Just that, the sand was taken over the dunes of snow. My shadow created by the street-light, right up to the ceiling, was intimidating. I lowered the window blinds to eclipse the image which was making me live in an awe of hierarchy. My reflection in the mirror caught my attention. The street-light, now filtering through the blinds, made me look like a zebra crossing. I always hated that eerie look. But today, I don’t know, it seemed divine. My life had become something similar.

I sat back on the bed near the window. The open notebook on the table caught my attention. I saw its pages lit up by the amber colored luminescence. The scribbled letters seemed to have an incredible lustrous shimmer under the amber backlight. They were looking more grandeur and alluring. It was your notebook. I had read it umpteen numbers of times. But today, as I read it, I felt as if I was reading it for the first time around. The glimpses of the wonderful times of the past flashed across my eyes. The coffee mug slipped from my hand and fell on the floor, spewing the contents all over it. Not bothering much about it, I turned back to your notebook. I flipped the pages relentlessly. I came across a page all dyed with ink. I turned over. The ink had been soaked up by the following few pages as well. I don’t know what was written on it. I tried to guess. But I could not. I always thought girls were really very particular about their stuff. Then what were these ugly looking pages were doing in your notebook, I wondered. Indeed, understanding women is always so difficult. I gave up. I closed the notebook, put it aside and stood up. The coffee split on the floor was parched. It resembled the ink spilt in the notebook. I tried cleaning up the floor. The rag soaked up the coffee. But the stains remained. My life had become something similar.

I desperately needed a smoke. I walked into the balcony, pulled out a cigarette and struck a match to light it. The breeze made the cigarette tip burn with brilliance. Everything around seemed to have slow down, as if I was watching a movie in slow motion. I looked down below at the street. It had gone to the dogs, in both ways. A couple of dogs were making out in the solitude and solace of the night. I turned up to the sky. It seemed to follow weird sequence of patterns. I could see your smiling face form up in the sky. I puffed hard. I coughed. I could hear you cough too. It was the first time you scolded me for smoking in public and more so coz it was bothering you. I coughed again. Maybe I had taken a bite more than what I could chew. It momentarily brought a smile to my face; I looked up to the sky again. Your image up in the sky had disappeared, a mirage. My life had become something similar.

Unable to bear the solitude of the night, and to divert my attention, I decided to call up a friend. I picked up my cell phone and dialed the number. ‘Connecting’… it read. It was taking longer than usual. I was familiar to this caller tune. Before I could analyze what was happening, a soft voice was audible. I could feel the tensed tone in the voice. ‘Hello..?’ It was YOU. Why had I dialed your number?? ‘Hello..!’ and unable to decide what to say, I disconnected the call. What was happening to me? Why was I missing you so much today? What were with these coincidences?? Out of the anticipation of getting a call back from you, I switched off my cell phone and put it away under the cushion. I sat back on the bed. I could feel my heart thump. It was feeling as if I had just returned from a marathon. I could feel the heat; the gush of blood to the head and ears. Despite the cold night, I was perspiring. I was feeling as if someone had thrust a spear head through my heart, and was barbequing me. My life had become something similar.

I decided to go for a walk. I picked up your notebook. Put on my shoes and walked out of the apartment. It was freezing outside. The road and the walkway seemed to have pulled on a blanket of snow to cover itself from the cold. I started walking towards the lake. The first few steps felt as if I was chained, like a prisoner. It was hard to lift my feet, but slowly, the numbness had got the better of it. A series of thoughts hurled questions at me, just like in a press conference. What was making me think of you so much? Was it love? Were even you experiencing the same what I was? Were even you thinking of me? Are you the woman I was waiting for? I had completely lost my senses. Now, I was almost gliding through the snow. Definitely, this was love, I felt. But I thought, when I would fall in love, I would hear the sound of violins and guitars play; feel the breeze blow into my face and everything around me would slow down, verisimilitude that in a movie. But then I remembered you saying, things in real life are different from those of the reel life. My life had become something similar.

I walked around the park to take my favorite bench beside the lake. The half frozen lake with the shimmering water looked as if someone had strewn pearls on the ground, illuminated by the moonlight. I sat on the bench enveloped with snow, placed the notebook on my lap and gaped in to the darkness of the night. I could hear the breeze whisper into my ears. The leaves of the trees were flirting with the breeze, creating a rustling noise. The water of the lake provided the background score. Slowly, I lost all my senses. Suddenly, I was brought back by a sound. All I could see in the dark was a hazy figure. I ignored, thinking it to be just another hallucination. Then slowly, I could smell some fragrance. It was the fragrance of your perfume. Intoxicating! I looked back again. Indeed, just another hallucination. I sighed. Stood up and began strolling mindlessly. Just then something on the ground caught my attention. A handkerchief! I picked it up. It was yours! The trademark, ‘A’, embroidered in a corner. I knew it the moment I picked it up. I thought I would return it to you. As I continued walking further, I saw the hazy figure re-appear. Not heeding much attention, I kept strolling. The fragrance had returned. I smiled to myself and kept walking. The hazy figure now bore a more sharp characteristics and the fragrance too had increased in intensity. I looked up with curiosity, squinting in the dark to trying to identify who the lonely person was, but in vain. I walked up close; I tried to look over the shoulder. All I could see was an ink pen. The person was glaring at it and the ink, which had stained the fingers. It was my ink pen! ‘Excuse me! I guess that’s my pen?’ I said. As the person turned, and took a step forward, the street-light seemed to enlighten the whole area. It was you. I could not resist myself from staring at you. You held up the pen towards me. You had borrowed it from me long back. Oh! I had absolutely forgotten about it. I knew this was it. Now, I realized what those ink blots were doing in your notebook. I held up your notebook and the handkerchief. Tears rolled down your eyes. Without saying a word, we hugged each other. How true, at times you actions speak louder than words. My life had become something similar. The warmth had just started to set in. The snow had started to melt off. A cool breeze followed. We sat at the bench late into the night. I could hear a tune of a nice romantic song. LOVE... truly captivates you.

©ROHAN AMBRE

14^th February, 2010

MY LOVE!!

I sat beside my fiancé looking at her serene, phlegmatic face which today evinced an uncharacteristic disheveled appearance. She donned as royal silky blue dress. She always looked stunning in it. But something seemed to be wrong with her. She didn’t look as gorgeous as she always used to. I whispered into her ears, lest the people standing around would get to hear me. I asked, “Dear, what’s wrong?? Why do you look so low today?” She did not reply. She just nodded her head adamantly. I was not able to understand her. “Please talk to me.” She always spoke her heart to me whenever she was with me. But today nothing seemed to work for me.

I tried to hold her hand, but reticently she pulled her hand away. I was unable to understand what was wrong. She was never so annoyed with me in the 6 years that we were together before getting engaged about a week ago. The clock seemed to turn around. I still remember how happy she was at the day of the engagement. Wearing a grandeur mehendi and dressed up in a red-orange sari she had picked up at the Mall. That was her favorite color, so was mine. It had to be; after all she liked it. I reminiscence the way she danced after the engagement. I was head over heels in love with her. Our college friends had nicknamed us the ‘Love Birds’ and a few others would envy us too. After all, 6 years was quite some time. I had bumped into her while I was at my undergraduate college. She was in the same class as mine. Her simplicity, innocence and philanthropic nature had totally floored me. The mere thought of talking to her for the first time, used to leave me perspiring and gasping for breath. My friends always told me to at least give it a shot. I had made up my mind to speak to her. That night I was unable to sleep. I kept rehearsing before the mirror on how I would introduce myself, hitting myself on the head whenever I would come up with something foolish. It was one of the shortest nights I ever came across in my life.

The next day morning as I reached college, my heart was beating faster than usual. As I stepped into class, I saw her sitting where she usually used to. She was clad in a royal silky blue dress. She looked absolutely gorgeous. I almost lost my footing as I walked up and sat on the adjacent bench hoping to get an opportunity to strike a conversation. Just as I was about to call her, she turned around and said, “Hi..! Umm, do have an extra ball-point pen? It seems I have left mine at home.” I can’t explain how hard it was to hold back my emotions at that moment of truth. I calmly replied, “Anhh.. Oh!! Yes.” I offered her my Parker pen. She stared back almost baffled and replied, “Sorry, I wanted a ball-point pen not an Eraser!” Ever since, I made it a point to carry an extra pen, a pencil, an eraser and even an extra notebook. Love, makes you do all the stupid things in the world. No wonder. Soon we were good friends and the more I spent time with her, my feelings for her kept going to a different level. Soon I realized she was a great singer too. Once, I remember giving my extra coaching classes a miss just to go and watch her perform. Though I was unlucky to get a pass for her show, I luckily managed a place at the window from where I could get a clear view. She was really happy to see me there.

Days, weeks and months went by. We had come so close that everyone felt we were in love with each other. Rather at least I was. One fine day, after college I gathered the courage to ask her out for a date. She agreed. I took her to the lake side. We sat on the small cliff overlooking the lake. With a heavy heart I pulled out a red rose from my sling bag, handed it over to her and said “I love you!” I was not able to look her in the eyes. She seemed to take the rose. I smiled. It had worked. Just then she hit me back with it. Dazzled I looked up, “Stupid! What on earth took you so long??” Those words rang like an alarm bell. From no-where, I was brimming with energy. A broad smile like a lightning flashed across my face. I was quite hesitant but managed to give her a hug. Since then we were always there for each other till we graduated together and even after that.

She often came over, helped my mother with the household chores, right from cooking real delicacies to even putting up the place in order. My family had accepted her as the bride-to-be. She proved to be an ideal choice as my life partner when she stood by me when my parents passed away in an air crash. She helped me overcome the irredeemable loss. I was left completely shaken, lost my senses. It took me about a year to recuperate from the loss. She persistently made sure I was back as enthusiastic as I was before and resumed my work. After about a few months we decided to get married. As the engagement day drew close, the enthusiasm with which we went shopping together, planning in advance what we would buy for the marriage too made me realize yes I had made the right choice. The Day was here. The pandal was decked up with festoons. She had seen to it that the place was decorated exactly the way she wanted it to be. After all it was really a special day for the both of us. Our dream that we had seen so many times sitting by the lake-side, to spend our lives together, had come true. We were engaged to each other. A few days after our engagement, I was supposed to be taking her out for a film premiere. I left my house. And. I was up here to see her beside me. She looked as if someone had taken away the life in her. I did not like the way she looked. That wonderful bright smile I always loved to see was missing. Suddenly, her mother came up, helped her to her feet and started to take her away. She did not want to leave. Tears rolled down her eyes. Something that was more precious to me than diamonds. I could do nothing. I called out. She was not able to hear. I was scared. What had happened to her? Just as I tried to walk towards her, a heavy door closed on me with a gentle thud. I was left all alone. Darkness had engulfed me. I tried to call out for help. No one was around. She was not there too. How could she leave me alone? I started crying. As I calmed down, all I could hear was a silent murmur followed by the low feeble ring of the bell. I was buried.

© ROHAN S. AMBRE

20^th January, 2010

The Word that meant the World to me..

I sit still in the chair.. contemplating on the days that have gone by.. Two small children, a cute looking enthralling boy and a beautiful angelic girl, were having a ball of a time in the garden.. A charming young man with a stalwart physique was maintaining a constant vigil on them to prevent them from straying to the nearby pond.. It reminds me of my days as a kid.. My father used to do the same, when my elder brother and I used play in the garden in our locality.. Just then the boy snatched the doll from the girl’s hand and ran away, far beyond her reach.. The incompetent girl on realizing her inability to chase him down lets out a cry of despair.. It brings a bleak smile to my face.. It reminiscences me of my daughter..

She was as angelic as this girl.. I still remember how dearly I loved her.. The most memorable day of my life was the day she began to speak.. The day she uttered her first words.. “Pa..” and a million dollar smile flashed across her face, a thing that always made my day, followed.. As if she wanted to tell me.. ‘See.. I did it.. You always wanted me to say this right..’ ..I always wanted to be with her.. Every morning I left for office with a heavy heart.. She always cried as the engine of the car grunted to a start.. She thought I would never return.. Those tears were more than the value of diamonds for me.. I still remember the enthusiasm with which she used to crawl towards me when I returned back from work.. The nights when she slept on my voluminous tummy like a lizard sticking to the walls..

Days and years went by.. right from the time since she started walking.. to the time she scolded me for returning home late from office.. to the evenings when tired and weary I dozed off on the couch only to find myself next morning covered with my blanket with her sleeping by the foot of the couch.. it was something as a father I would always cherish.. She was my source of inspiration.. I still remember the day when she got married.. I received the most valuable gift of my life.. A painting that she had made.. For the past few months she had been working at it.. All day and night.. She would not even let me in her room lest I get a glimpse of it.. It was a silhouette of a man with his daughter holding hands teaching her to walk.. He was leading her out of the house.. I could not stop my tears.. I thought how I would ever be able to live without her.. I let go myself.. She said.. “Be strong.. I am always there with you..” .. It reminded of the day she was born.. Those were her mother’s last words.. I felt the pain in my heart as if someone was trying to thrust a blunt sword right through.. My daughter always stood strong by my side like a pillar supporting an old dilapidated structure.. I was sure that she would never let me feel left alone.. She was a woman of her words.. The disastrous day when I was en-route to our first meeting since her marriage.. I met with a horrifying accident only to be up in the hospital.. I opened my eyes.. and there she was.. I knew she would definitely be there.. Tears rolled down her cheeks.. as she let out a cry and hugged me.. I smiled bleakly.. “Don’t worry.. I am fine!” I said.. But she did not seem to stop.. I did not understand what was wrong.. As I tried to sit up.. I fell off the chair.. The kids playing in the garden along with the young man came running up and helped me onto the chair.. I was horrified.. I felt like crying.. The realization dawned on me.. I had lost my feet in the accident.. How I wished I had died then.. Just as I was about to break down.. I felt a familiar pat on my back.. “Be strong Pa.. We are always there with you..” It had to be.. no one else than my daughter.. She was always so beautiful and charming.. The young man stood by her reassuring me that they would.. He was my son-in-law.. It was a dream, come true for me.. I always wanted to see her happy..

Just as I leaned back with relief on to the wheel-chair and closed my eyes, I felt a tug at my trousers.. It was the small angelic girl.. She was looking at me in anticipation.. She was my grand-daughter.. I looked at her and smiled.. She smiled back and said.. “Pa..” ..Those were her first words..

© ROHAN S. AMBRE

12^th December, 2009

THE DAY!!

It was a cold dull morning.. It was just another day in her life.. But today it was different.. She could sense the ground beneath her tremble.. All she could see was light green colored walls around her.. The place seemed familiar.. She liked being here.. But today it was different.. The light in front of her seemed to lose its luminance, it followed an unendurable iteration.. She had never noticed those lights before.. But today it was different.. Suddenly, a burst of pain sent a shiver down her spine.. It was like never before.. She writhed about in excruciating pain.. She sent out a scream.. it seemed to echo down the corridor.. No one seemed there around to help.. She tried to grab onto something.. A familiar touch soothed her.. But today it was different.. She felt some one was there for help.. She tried reaching out.. But was forced to lay back again.. She could not move.. The touch wiped off the pearl like sweat drops from her forehead.. She felt better..

Suddenly, the ground beneath her stopped its monotonous tremble.. She tried looking around.. But a bright flash of light blinded her.. The light earlier never seemed so bright.. But today it was different.. The familiar fragrance was intoxicating.. She felt better.. She had had a nausea for it.. But today it was different.. She seemed to have lost all her senses.. She could not feel or even move her legs, they seemed amputated.. She wished the pain in her abated immediately, it was not to happen.. As today it was different.. The pain seemed to mount upon her.. She felt the weight of an hundred elephants standing upon her abdomen.. It was not endurable.. She grabbed onto the ground beneath.. Her nails almost anchored her to her place.. Just as she thought about giving in to the colossal pain, she heard familiar voice, in a unfriendly tone whisper something in her ears- "Breathe properly.. Everything's gonna be alrite"..

Those words didn't mean anything to her.. She started chanting the Almighty's name with vehemence.. A sense of belongingness gripped her.. She could feel the life spring back to her feet.. She kept chanting loudly.. The pain had evanesced.. Just as she was about to feel her legs move.. It was back.. The PAIN.. even more intense this time.. She could not understand what was happening.. She shouted out “Mumma..”, but her mother was not around.. She remembered her balming touch whenever she was in pain, she missed her badly.. As today it was different.. She gasped for breathe.. Someone fed her a few drops of water.. She yearned for more but no one seemed to care.. Just then she felt a gentle tug and the moment she had waited for was there.. The pain had subsided.. like forever.. It seemed as if the weight was lifted off her.. She could feel herself floating in space.. She could feel the toes of her legs.. She tried to move them.. but did not have the energy.. All she could hear was a feeble wail.. as she dozed off..

She had never slept so peacefully before.. She could feel herself in her mother’s lap.. But today it was different.. It was a divine feeling.. Slowly, she opened her eyes.. The old fragrance was replaced with a more soothing one.. It was a different place.. She looked around.. She saw her family standing beside her smiling at in anticipation.. She smiled back bleakly.. Her inquisitive eyes were looking for someone else.. There he stood, at the foot of her bed.. with a broad smile and pearly tears in his eyes.. He was wearing the familiar white robe.. She always loved him dress up that way.. She tried to call out to him.. He started walking towards her.. He had something in his hands.. He came up close, put the object beside her, kissed her on her forehead.. It was her husband.. Just as she was about to say anything.. He embraced her and whispered.. “Thank you honey.. and Congratulations.. It’s a BABY BOY..!!”

© ROHAN S. AMBRE